


Cut My Hair

by TeaSpent



Series: Marvel Shorts [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Hurt Tony, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Poor Tony Stark, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 04:55:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14205525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaSpent/pseuds/TeaSpent
Summary: Tony's stuggles with life, PTSD, and depression, and the thought that maybe it's okay to not be okay.Inspired by the song "Cut My Hair"





	Cut My Hair

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Self hatred, self harm, suicide attempt, anxiety attack.
> 
> Please do not read if you are sensitive to any of these topics. Thank you.
> 
> Also, this song is not mine. If you would like to look at the full song lyrics, "Cut My Hair" by Mounika, then look at the end notes for the link and lyrics.

"Often I am upset..."

~~~

"Sorry,"

"Stop, it's fine Tony, it happens,"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be like this, why am I like this?"

"Calm down, it's okay, it's okay," Bucky says, rocking the other man back and forth in his arms, legs crossed on the couch they're sitting on as the shorter man curls up closer to his chest.

"It's not," Tony mutters, leaning further into the other man's chest, seeking comfort.

"I know you think that, and I wish you really wouldn't," is the response, as the grip tightens.

~~~

"...that I cannot fall in love."

~~~

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Nice to see you too, Honeybear," Tony responds, not looking up from his current project.

"Tony..."

"Rhodey..."

"You need to sleep. Come here," he says, walking over to his friend and slowly nudging him until he's standing and has saved his current work.

"Let's get you to bed,"

"M'not tired,"

"Mmhm," Rhodey hums, obviously not believing Tony's protests.

"Weren't you on an assignment," Tony asks quietly as he is put down on to the bed, covers wapping him up in a cocoon of warmth.

"Got a leave,"

"Why?" 

"You needed me," comes the answer, blunt and simple.

"Sorry," Tony says, the word slipping out of his mouth as a reflex.

"Not your fault. The team called me. They're worried," Rhodey explains, sitting on the soft chair next to the bed.

"The team?" Tony asks, voice filled with disbelief, eyes wide as he sees Rhodey nod in the dimly lit room.

"They care about you, you know,"

Tony runs that sentence over and over in his mind until sleep falls over him only a few seconds after it was said.

~~~

"But I guess..."

~~~

Tony wakes from his fitful sleep on the communal couch to see Natasha on the easy chair to the left of the sofa, a soft blue blanket draped over her legs and a book in hand. 

Heart racing and breathing unsteady, he gasps for air, trying to take in more of his surroundings in an attempt to calm down.

What catches his ear is the slow and gentle tapping against the easy chair, perfectly timed and just loud enough to focus on without being annoying. Slowly, Tony matches his breathing to the tapping, watching as the finger hits the chair again and again.

When he's calmed down enough, Tony starts to get up, however quickly aborts that plan once he sees Natasha's look, knowing that she will force him to stay down if she has to.

When Tony next wakes up, gasping again, the softness of the blue blanket draped over him helps to settle his frantic and panicking mind.

~~~

"...this avoids the stress of falling out of it."

~~~

"I missed you today," Pepper says, walking into the lab and taking a gentle seat on the worn couch.

"Sorry," Tony says, not looking at her and instead reading over the same line he has been reading over for the past five minutes.

"It's fine, Tony, I wasn't trying to guilt you," Pepper says, already regretting her choice of words.

"No, it's not!" Tony practically yells, and Pepper jumps.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, just...it's not. I should be able to at least get up and do my fucking job right,"

Humming in understanding, Pepper comes walking over to Tony, slowly pulling him into a hug.

"You do your job just fine, Tony. Everyone has bad days. Sometimes even weeks. But it's okay. I promise,"

"...sorry,"

~~~

"Are you-you tired of me yet?"

~~~

"Are you okay?" Steve asks as soon as Tony is out of the suit, concern coloring his features.

"I'm fine,"

"I saw you take a hit today. Looked pretty bad,"

"I said I'm fine Cap. I'm going down to the shop,” Tony says, starting to walk but stopping as a gentle hand is placed on his shoulder.

"You didn't dodge,"

"It was too fast for me. It was unavoidable," Tony states, voice firm as he pulls away and walks to the door.

"It wasn't and you know it,"

"Just leave me alone. I'm fine,"

"Are you coming to debriefing at least?"

"Can't. SI work,"

"Just..go to medical?" Steve says, sighing.

"...I'll see you next meeting,"

~~~

"I'm a little sick right now..."

~~~

"I made some food,"

"Thanks Brucie Bear," says Tony, using a voice that's too soft.

"It's upstairs. We thought you might want to come join us for dinner?"

"Sorry Bruce, gonna have to take a raincheck today,"

"Tony. Please. We know you're getting worse. Let us help," Bruce says bluntly, coming over to clean against the table gently, looking down at the ragged man sitting on the chair below him. "We all know about PTSD and depression. We can help,"

"I'm just a little tired Brucie. Nothing more. I'll be fine,"

"...I'll keep it warm for you,"

~~~

"...but I swear..."

~~~

"Shit man, what happened to your arm?" Clint asks, looking at the dazed engineer sitting at the kitchen counter, sipping coffee in silence.

Looking down slowly, Tony sees the start of the small cuts, just peeking out from under his t-shirt sleeve.

"Dropped some glass in the lab the other day," Tony says slowly, looking away.

"How about we go to Coulson and get you patched up?" Clint suggests, knowing full well Coulson is the only one who Tony will let near hear in this state.

"Thanks Clint, but I think I'll survive,"

"Okay, well...tell me if you change your mind,"

Tony just nods, placing the now empty mug in the sink as he then walks away.

~~~

"when I'm ready I will fly us out of here."

~~~

Tony groans as the room brightens slightly, JARVIS turning the lights on dim for the visitor.

"G'way," Tony mutters, curling into himself, not wanting his team to see him like this.

Gently, the bed shifts as someone crawls into it, pulling the blanket over themself and Tony, holding the man and pulling him close to their hard chest, metal arm gently rubbing circles on the engineer's arm.

"I'm sorry," Tony murmurs against their chest. "For me, for how I am, for my messed up mind, for you having to deal with me," he explains, words slurring together.

"I understand," is the response. And maybe he does. At least it isn't an empty reasurment.

~~~

"Cut-cut hair..."

~~~

Tony wakes up to white walls and a firm bed, with a gentle beeping surrounding him, thought getting faster.

The panic knocks the wind out of his lungs and he struggles to breathe, the beeping only making things worse.

Suddenly, someone is holding his hands.

"Look at me Tony. Look at me. See how I'm breathing? Breathe with me Tony. just breathe," Agent says, holding his hands firmly as he tries to breathe.

His eyes flick over to Bruce turning off the beeping and he calms down some, putting his eyes back on Phil who let's go and moves back a bit.

"Thanks," Tony croaks, throat sore. Reaching up to rub his eyes, Tony suddenly realises that his hands, and wrists, are covered in crisp, white, bandages.

~~~

"...leave."

~~~

Tony is on the bench until his therapist clears him. Fury won't accept arguments, not after Tony's stunt.

No one trusts him anymore.

Judging on how quickly his bandages are disappearing, Tony can't see himself back in action anytime soon. That hurts the most.

Because they're talking away his wings. He won't be in the suit anymore. He won't fly anymore.

~~~

"Cut my hair."

~~~

The therapist and him talk. He tries, he really does try to talk.

It's just so hard. Even if it's not for him, for someone else. For their sake. It's still hard.

The therapist says that his PTSD, that's what he has apparently, got even worse after the wormhole. Afghanistan is a whole nother issue.

Tony just nods. He doesn't really want to accept it yet.

~~~

"Cut-cut hair."

~~~

Tony learns grounding techniques. They work, sometimes. The team seems to help too, often.

He still wonders why they're still here.

Rhodey and Pepper visit him more.

There is a constant presence in his bed. The metal arm always rubs Tony's shoulder gently, even when he stays in bed the whole day. It doesn't leave.

~~~

"Yes, but strangely he feels at home in this."

~~~

Tony doesn't think he'll ever be 'cured'.

~~~

"Yes, but strangely he feels at home in this."

~~~

But maybe that's okay.

**Author's Note:**

> That was... interesting to write I guess. I tend to stay pretty detached from my characters feelings so it's sometimes hard to write stuff like this. If you have any suggestions, comments, edits, or just want to say hello, please don't hesitate to do so!
> 
> Till next time,
> 
> ~Tea
> 
> Lyrics:  
> Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love  
> But I guess this avoids the stress of falling out of it  
> Are you (you) tired of me yet?  
> I’m a little sick right now but I swear  
> When I’m ready I will fly us out of here  
> Cut-cut hair, leave  
> Cut my hair  
> Cut-cut hair  
> Yes, but strangely he feels at home in this  
> Yes, but strangely he feels at home in this
> 
> Link: https://youtu.be/Txs4k0pq-ss


End file.
